


real bros commit arson together

by orphan_account



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Arson, Haikyuu - Freeform, Illegal Activities, Just Friendship, M/M, Not shipping - Freeform, One Shot, Swearing, akaashis at the end for like a second, bros, btw theyre both still in high school, no timeskip here fellas, nothing like burning down an abandoned building to show ur bro how much u love him
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-27
Updated: 2020-08-27
Packaged: 2021-03-06 18:28:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,243
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26123500
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Okay, in hindsight, maybe burning down an abandoned building at 1 AM on a Saturday wasn't the best idea. But hey, at least we got Taco Bell before we got arrested!
Relationships: Bokuto Koutarou & Kuroo Tetsurou
Kudos: 2





	real bros commit arson together

**Author's Note:**

> this is for my little bro <3

_Bzzt bzzt._

"Hrgsh."

_Bzzt bzzt. Bzzt bzzt._

"Urgg. Mmm...that was a good spike..."

_Bzzt. Bzzt. Bzzt. Bzzt-_

"Argh, alright, alright! I'm up. Hello?"

As you may have already guessed, the grumbling man talking to himself is none other than _the_ Bokuto Koutarou (if you don't know who he is by now, I would politely ask you to stop reading now.) At this very moment, he is feeling more than the usual amount of anger one would normally feel at 12:15 PM, and this is for the reason that his phone was going off non-stop while he was in the middle of a very interesting dream. Translation: he was playing volleyball. Really, there was nothing out of the ordinary, but Bokuto is easily entertained.

On the other side of the phone was someone who very nearly matched Bokuto's enthusiasm for the sport: Kuroo Tetsurou. He had been up for hours already, and was just now calling his best bro to ask him a dire question.

"Yo, you up?" Kuroo's voice was reverbrating in Bokuto's still half-asleep brain. Rubbing his eyes, Bokuto yawned an agreement.

"Cool. Hey, I gotta question for you."

"Mmrph."

"You wanna grab some Taco Bell?"

Bokuto's brain made somewhat of a 'click' sound as Kuroo sounded out those two magnificent words. Sure, it was midnight. But could Bokuto really pass up the opportunity to grab himself a Crunchwrap Supreme with his best bro?

The answer was a resounding no.

"Um...yeah? Do you even have to ask? Wait what time is it." Bokuto checked his bedside clock. He blinked. He looked outside. He looked back at his clock.

"Dude."

"Yeah?"

"It's midnight."

"I'm not stupid. You, on the other hand."

"Shut up. Why the _fuck_ are you calling me to go on a Taco Bell run at _midnight?_ " It wasn't as if Bokuto would change his mind. He looked at his calendar. It was a...Saturday, after all. He didn't have practice. Well, technically. He usually practiced anyways. Well, only if it was with Akaashi.

Bokuto gasped.

"OH bro, can Akaashi come with us?! He'll be cool, I promise."

There was a deep sigh on the other end of the phone before Kuroo resumed speaking.

"No, dipshit. He cannot come with us. I have something else planned. But you _have_ to come with me or else it won't be fun. Anybody else would ruin it. And before you ask," Kuroo added as soon as he heard an inhale from Bokuto, " _no_ I can't tell you what it is until you come with me."

Bokuto frowned. His brain was still rotting after being woken up at this ungodly hour, but he was incredibly curious to see what Kuroo had planned. Plus, he was his best friend! How could he let him go alone?

"All right. Can you pick me up?"

"Uh...no."

"Bro, _what?_ Did you get a DUI again?"

" _Huh?_ I...no! That was months ago, dude. No, I just think your car is safer."

Bokuto pulled open his blinds to peer down at his 2007 white Subaru Impreza. No matter the car Kuroo possessed, he was probably right. Not to mention Bokuto had passed his driver's exam on the first try, unlike Kuroo.

"...Fine. But-"

"Dope. I'm at my house. Pick me up in 15." _Click._

Bokuto stood up and looked around his room. It was small, so there wasn't much to look at despite a few posters of famous Japanese volleyball players and pictures of him with his teammates + Kuroo + Hinata + Tsukishima, in one rare case. He shook his head. No, now wasn't the time for reminiscing. His brother from another mother needed him.

"I will heed your call!" Bokuto shouted, earning a yell from his mother in the other room. Shuffling on some joggers (what kind of clothes do you wear when going on a surprise outing to Taco Bell?) and a hoodie with a pair of running shoes, Bokuto snatched his keys and quietly slipped out of the front door, being careful to close it softly behind him. Though, it wouldn't really matter if his parents found out anyways. He's been in worse situations. Kuroo was already deemed as a "bad influence" so it wasn't like anything would surprise them. Hopefully.

Whistling in the frigid air, Bokuto swirled the keys around his finger as he made his way to the driver's seat, making sure to give the old car a reliable pat on the hood as he did. 

He placed the keys in the ignition.

He breathed out.

"Alright, baby. Here goes nothing!"

He turned the key, and the engine rumbled to a start. He didn't look back at his mother bolting out on the front lawn as he peeled away, foot pressing down hard on the gas pedal. He smirked and called Kuroo again.

"Kuroo! I'm on my way!"

"Alright, idiot, shut up about it! I'm down the block, I had to make sure none of the neighbors would be able to see your car."

Bokuto started. "Wait, why-"

"JUST. Hurry up. Bye." _Click._

Kuroo was being weird as fuck, he decided.

* * *

As Bokuto pulled up to where he saw Kuroo standing in a black jacket, shirt, pants, and shoes to match his equally black hair, he started to get a feeling of uneasiness. Which was rare in cases outside of volleyball.

"'Sup, bro? Quick question, why are you dressed like a burglar?"

Kuroo laughed. "Wouldn't you like to know?"

"Yes, actually. That's why I asked."

Kuroo leaned over to press buttons on the dash, seemingly trying to hook up his phone with the Bluetooth.

"Bro, I'm starting to get fucking pissed. What are we really doing tonight?"  
  


WAP started blasting on the speakers. Even if Kuroo had an answer, Bokuto could not hear him over the repetitive chorus sung by Generation Z's savior, otherwise known as Megan Thee Stallion.

After a few minutes, Kuroo turned it down and turned to the driver, or, Bokuto. In case you forgot.

"We're doing exactly what I said we're doing. Except, don't go to the Taco Bell we usually go to. I'll plug in the address."

Before Bokuto could protest, the monotone (but sexy, in his opinion) voice of Siri spoke up over the song, telling him to make a U-Turn and head west. 

At this point, any normal person (read: Kenma) would chew Kuroo's head off for dodging the question. But Bokuto knew Kuroo in a different way, and that way could only be known as the trait they had in common: complete and utter headass-ery.

Bokuto followed the GPS to a fairly isolated Taco Bell, with only one car being parked in an employee square. They argued whether or not they should go inside. Bokuto said no (he wanted to know what else was in store for the night) and Kuroo said yes (he knew what would be going down later and wanted to delay it for as long as possible). They decided to play rock-paper-scissors to decide. The employee watched, concerned, from the inside as she witnessed a spiked-haired man screaming in frustration and his goth (emo? the woman didn't know how to label it) passenger smacking his arm in a mocking manner before they finally stepped out of the car, the one coming from the driver's side looking utterly defeated.

"Hello, ma'am. We'd like to purchase your finest Nacho Cheese Doritos Locos Taco Supreme, please. With a Baja Blast, of course. My friend here is in need of a little pick-me-up." This was the My Chemical Romance speaking.

"I don't like Doritos, bro! I've told you this a million times..." the man on his right trailed off, his arms shoved deep into his hoodie pocket. She felt a pang of sympathy for him. It wasn't easy losing a game of rock-paper-scissors.

"Shut up, man."

"Dude, what the fuck."

"Hey, lady, sorry for my compadre here being inexplicably rude. We will have _two_ Nacho Cheese Doritos Locos Taco Supremes, and _two_ Mountain Dew Baja Blasts." As she typed in their order, she couldn't help but observe the e-boy making the order. _How rude,_ she thought to herself, _that poor friend of his wants something different and he won't let him order. Is this just how their friendship works? I mean, I wouldn't know,_ my _friends never talk to me anymore, so-_

"-ady. Lady. Sorry, I think you were spacing out or something. Oh wait," the spiky haired one looked at her chest, and for a moment a spark of rage burned within her until he spoke again, "...Yumi-san. I'd like to place my _own_ order. Apart from this douche with me. He won't tell me what we're doing after this." With this last sentence, he shot a death glare in his companion's direction, who didn't catch it due to him peering at the menu above them.

"Ah, yes, of course. What would you like to order?"

"Just one Crunchwrap Supreme, please. And a fountain drink."

"Will that be it?"

Kuroo shook his head. 

Yumi could feel a migraine coming on.

"Yes?"

"Scratch my last order. A Crunchwrap Supreme sounds _much_ more enticing. And screw the Baja Blasts, too."

Bokuto gaped at him.

"Dude!"

"What?"

"Do you realize how important fast food workers are in this economy?! Don't talk to them like that! You're making her job ten times harder, you asshat!"

Kuroo didn't say anything, but instead stared at Yumi, waiting for her response.

"Er...okay then. That'll be 568¥, for both of you individually." (For my non-Japanese readers, this is around $5.30. There, so you don't have to look it up. Thank me later.)

"Right. Let me just..." Kuroo patted his front pockets, then his back pockets, then his shoulders, then his ass again, then slapped his hand to his forehead in an exaggerated motion. "Shit, I-"

Bokuto handed the cash to the cashier with no hesitation. "Don't. I'll just pay for you. But you owe me _exactly_ this amount."

"Gotcha. Thanks, man."

"Yeah. Thanks, Yumi-san. You're the G.O.A.T.." He smiled at her. Her heart skipped a beat.

"Your order will be out in a few minutes." Bokuto nodded, taking big steps to meet up with Kuroo by the drinking fountain. 

When he arrived, he elbowed him, hard, in his side. Kuroo let out a yelp and whipped to face him.

"Bro, what? I forgot I left my wallet at home! You can't blame me for that!"

Bokuto sneered at him. "No, but I can blame you for being excessively rude to that cute cash register. There was really no need for that."

Kuroo scoffed. "Give me a break, dude. She's like, way out of your league. Also, aren't you gay?"

"Huh?"

"What? You're not?"

"Oh my god, dude. I came out to you _two weeks after I met you_ _._ I'm bi, dickface."

"Oooh, yeah. Sorry man. That's cool. No shame."

"You're gay."

"No, I'm not."

"What-"

"I'm bi too."

Bokuto's face was a mix of the shades bright red and dark purple and Kuroo wasn't sure if he should slap him or call an ambulance.

"I swear to piss, I'm-"

A yell came from the counter. "Your order is ready, boys!"

"Ah, great! Speedy service." Kuroo half-jogged to the counter to pick up their bags. "Alright, which one is mine and which is yours, do you think?"

Bokuto was pouring lemonade into his cup as he spoke. "Dude, sometimes you're so stupid I wonder how you manage to get through a day."

* * *

They were back in the car and driving to their next destination, Bokuto's stomach growling as Kuroo ate his food and hummed along to the radio, which was currently playing an old song that Bokuto didn't know, but it went like _la lalala, la lalalala, la la laaaa la,_ in case you wanted to know what the song sounded like.

As they left the Taco Bell (with Bokuto politely saying goodbye as Kuroo rudely kicked the door open), Kuroo had had the address for the surprise destination open on his phone already. Hoping he would be able to find out where it was, Bokuto eagerly took the phone from him, only to find that there was no preview of the place, just a set of coordinates. He had grumpily handed Kuroo his food (which was starting to smell insanely good) and started driving without any words.

Now the silence was annoying him. Well, not silence exactly, because he could still hear Kuroo's chewing over the music and his own humming. He clenched his teeth. Normally Kuroo wasn't this clueless, but this must be a special occasion.

"Alright, bro, I went along with your little game. Do you mind telling me where we're going now?" He shut off the radio in order to hear him better, earning a grunt from Kuroo's half-full mouth.

"Weh'rr burr thelr ih ah miurte."

"Swallow, bro. Don't you dare respond to that."

Kuroo swallowed, the sound of it giving Bokuto chills down his spine.

"We'll be there in a _minute,_ dude. You're so impatient. Don't you love the thrill of not knowing where we're going?"

"Uh, no, not particularly, because I feel like you're secretly trying to admit me to a psych ward. Or maybe I should be doing that now, to be completely honest."

"Chill. It's not that deep. Look, we're here."

Bokuto almost missed the turn and yanked the wheel to the left, allowing for an unsuspecting Kuroo to slam his entire body mass into the air, the seatbelt holding him back from flying out of the driver side window (always wear your seatbelt). As Bokuto pulled the car into the empty lot, he peered through the darkness of the night at what lay before him.

"...This is it?"

It was an old schoolhouse. Like, seriously old. 19th century old. It might have had some historical value, if it hadn't been so butt ugly. Bokuto looked at it in disbelief.

He looked at it.

He looked at it.

He slowly turned his head to Kuroo.

"...Kuroo."

"Hell yeah?"

"Where. Are. We."

"First, let's get out of the car, okay?" He didn't wait for an answer; he was already outside of the car. Bokuto followed pursuit, his rage propelling him forward.

"BRO."

"Hold on. I put something in the trunk. Gimme a sec and then I'll explain everything. Woo, this is exhilarating! I'm glad you're here with me, bro," Kuroo's voice trailed off near the end as he opened Bokuto's trunk to pull out two cans of gasoline.

Bokuto stared.

A gear turned in his head.

Then another one.

A lightbulb.

He shouted.

"No. Fucking. WAY. When did you-how did you, WHY-!"

"I'd- _hnrgh-_ love to answer, but these cans are a little heavy and I could use some big strong muscles to help me out."

Bokuto helped.

Kuroo stared at him.

"Please...explain."

"First, let me ask a question. Are you angry right now?"

Bokuto blinked. "What...YES. I am fucking LIVID. Are you _happy_ right now?"

Kuroo clapped him on the shoulder and grinned. "Fantastic, my good fellow! This was my goal all along: get you riled up until we arrived so you would be at your 100% when it finally came down to it. Also, I sneaked in the gasoline tanks while you were screwing with the radio. You are welcome."

"Okay...but you are not explaining what 'it' is," Bokuto used air quotes around 'it.'

"'It,' my friend, my pal, my ride or die, is what we are looking at right now. These gas cans, this old stinking rotting schoolhouse, and these two matches," he declared as he pulled two single matches out of his jacket with a smirk.

Bokuto had not expected to commit arson at 1 AM on a Saturday.

What would Akaashi think of him?

Better not to think on that for too long.

"But...is this place still in business? I mean." 

They both stared at the schoolhouse. Piles of trash sat untouched around the entrance, which Kuroo eyed with malevolence. 

"I don't think anyone has come here to learn in the past 400 years, bro."

"Alright, fine. But _how._ How did you even find this place? What possessed you to do _this_ instead of just a normal Taco Bell run?"

Kuroo looked down for a second, then shrugged.

"I don't know. I was doing some driving around of my own one day and I stumbled across this beauty. I did some research on the name and found out that nobody had attended for a long ass time, and that the property wasn't owned by anyone. I thought, _man, if I live my whole life without doing something illegal, I'm going to regret it,_ so I made the decision to drag you along with me. Because I'm like that. And I love you, bro."

"Gee, thanks. Nothing says 'I appreciate your friendship' like setting a schoolhouse on fire together."

"Come on, man. Are you gonna do it or what?" He held out a match like a beacon.

Bokuto looked at the match and he looked at Kuroo. He looked at the school and he looked at the gasoline cans.

He took the match.

"Let's burn it down, baby."

"There's my bitch."

"I'm not your bitch. If anything you're MY bitch."

"Okay, whatever."

"No, wait a second, you don't believe me. See, you're my bitch because I'm always the protagonist and you're a side character-"

* * *

"Damn, this prison seat is cold. My ass is gonna freeze."

"Dude, for the last time, this isn't prison. It's a holding cell. And if you would just wait a few more minutes, Akaashi's gonna be here to bail us out. Good thing you had your phone on you when it all went-" Kuroo swirled his hands in an explosion motion.

"Okay, well, this wouldn't have happened at _all_ if your stupid head didn't pour twenty gallons of gasoline on flammable trash. You know, because trash is flammable."

"Yes, I get it."

Bokuto sighed. He knew this wouldn't end well. But at least he would get to see Akaashi after all of this. He was sick of looking at Kuroo's unbothered face all the time. He really needed to find new friends. He gasped.

"Hey, maybe Tsukki-"

"Already tried. He was awake but he threatened to call the police on us a second time if we asked him to come get us."

Bokuto clicked his tongue. "And I didn't even get to eat my Crunchwrap Supreme...! Ohh..." He placed his head in his hands. "I'm going to die in prison without ever tasting my Taco Bell..."

Kuroo smacked him. 

"OW. Why?"

"You're annoying. Also, Akaashi is here."

Bokuto jumped up and ran to the jail cell door, where he could get as close to his setter as possible behind bars. Akaashi simply looked at him with apathy and handed a paper to the guard. The guard, in turn, unlocked the cell in which they stayed, allowing Bokuto to run into Akaashi, his strong arms lifting him up off the ground.

"Akaashi..! You don't even know how scared I was Kuroo roped me into it it wasn't my idea I just thought it would be cool near the end but I swear it was all his doing I just lit the match at the end HEY could we stop by Taco Bell-"

"Kuroo-san," Akaashi muttered to the accomplice standing awkwardly behind Bokuto, "I think it's best if you drive home."

**Author's Note:**

> if anybody else ends up reading this go follow me on tumblr @aeterns im super funny :) (lie)


End file.
